Only Just Me
by Basslady
Summary: <html><head></head>In season 4, jenny did not come back in 4x6/4x10. Nate and serna ended just like on the show,he is not dating Raina. She wanted to be just Jenny. Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn, Jenny Humphrey who loves fashion, Jenny Humphrey who only ever loved one guy.</html>


Nate was sitting in Central Park. He was lost in thought, and he wanted to be alone. When he thought about it, he was never alone before. He always was a part of a relationship, a part of a friendship. He has had every kind of relationship and with every kind of person. He had been the Nate to a Blair, the Nate to a Serena, the Nate to a Vanessa, Juliet… He was constantly morphing and altering himself to fit the role he was acquired to fill. The way he was a different person in every relationship in his life ( Chuck's Nate is nothing like Dan's Nate) showed how much he had no identity as Nathanial Archibald on his own. Some may dare call him a "Golden Boy" or a prince fucking charming. He had filled the emptiness in his life by working out, or by having random relationships. He had had Vanessa when he had lost Blair the first time, and when he lost jenny the next. It was always easy to escape to Brooklyn. He had only had very serious relationships with two women, though to what extent can be up to debate. With Blair it was always edited and retouched in order to look like a fairytale. It is part of his juvenile past and it seems more like a dream or beautifully selected memories, a nice story with a closure about a first love. With Serena it started with an infatuation with a golden goddess, then when they slept together he developed feelings, and those developed into more when he with her absence. Absence does make the heart fonder. The more he couldn't have her the more he loved her. And when he had her he was always scared to lose her to Carter , and then Dan was the threat. He never really had her and that was what really hooked him more, but in retrospect he now questions the emotional depth of their relationship. But were those what we really call _love_? He knew that they never really and utterly loved him , not the way Blair did Chuck or Serena did Dan. Blair and Serena are special to him, growing up they were a team, but he now knows Blair belongs with Chuck, and Serena belongs with Dan, and he belongs with….

He did not allow his thoughts to take him there.

Jenny. Jennifer Humphrey, this girl fucking scared the hell out of him. She blinded him. His mind saw the strong woman whose claws were always out, his heart saw a vulnerable girl whom he had the inexplicable need to protect. She was a train wreck last year, a volcano, a hurricane ready to explode. He could not understand or keep up with her. Yet nothing was more natural than lying on his bed with her and playing video games , dancing with her on Cotillion , saving her , and talking to her ( the way he did on the steps at Blair's birthday ….) , and just simply watching her as she achieved her dreams . He had never been prouder than when he saw her do her own fashion show.

She had a power on him which made him write a stupid love letter to her like a 12 year old last year. She had a power over him which made him feel like himself. That sounded weird , but she made him feel like Nate.

He did not know if this last year was the real her , he hoped it wasn't. He _knew_ it wasn't. She always disappointed him ( like the stunt she pulled on Vanessa last year) yet there was always something telling her that as not her. Maybe it was his foolish heart

Jenny sat on her bed in Hudson, that's where she had been spending most of her days. She was very upset. Looking back to last year made her sick. She cannot believe the way she messed everything up. She wanted to turn into the most powerful person, but all she did burn everything into flames. She had been reading gossip girl and it made her sick. Bali and Chuck were still in the midst of their drama (she was not surprised), but it seems they moved on from the incident with her. Everyone moved on.

Her? It fucking ruined her life. Her virginity was all she had left, and she gave it to the last person she wanted. She was keeping it, holding on to it so that she can give it to…. She quickly tuned the line of her thoughts. She had wanted to be Blair all her life, and she was a lot like her. Ex Queen of Constance, losing her virginity to Chuck, same date to Cotillion…

She had taken one side of Blair (the deceitful and scheming one) and she took it to the extremes, though she had wanted to be Blair for other reasons. When she first met Blair, she had seen a girl who was queen, who had power, who was privileged, who was ambitious, and who had _Nate_. That was what she wanted. When Blair crowned her she saw a softer and realer side to her. She was talking about how a person should think with their mind, and about Queen Elizabeth yet she had just told her how she had said to Chuck that she loved him twice and that he did not say it back twice. That it when she realized Blair was emotions as much as brain, which made her even more fascinating. At some point Jenny could not fulfill the emotion part, the provider was too busy going blindly after Serena, so she compensated in the power part. The more she pushed people away, the more se burned bridges, the most she felt powerful, and that she did not need anyone. She did not need _him. _

In the end nothing felt better than losing control. To her body, to Chuck, to Blair by doing as she was told.

Her power was what destroyed her, and her powerlessness and helplessness felt so good after the year she had spent.

She was greedy in the past , and the more she had power , the more she lost herself because she had to be cold , she had to be backstabbing , she had to bite every hand that ever fed her , because it was fucking more easy than to _care_. She had betrayed Blair, Lily, and Serena …. She even betrayed her best friend Eric, her own brother Dan, and her father the only person that loves her to death.

She got up, she removed her raccoon makeup, she took a shower, and she wore a simple pink dress she had not worn in years. She did not want to be Little J, she did not want to be Queen J (it always sounded more like Queen B anyway), she did not want to be an Upper East Sider, and she did not want to be part of the huge family she now has.

She wanted to be just Jenny. Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn. Jenny Humphrey who loves fashion. Jenny Humphrey who was Daniel's sister and Rufus' daughter , and Eric's best friend. Jenny Humphrey who only ever loved one guy.

She made her choice , she was going to make her amends , and she was going back to her home.

Nate was at a very wild party trying to numb his preoccupied mind. He was dancing or rather drunkenly swaggering around . Blond hair caught his eyes and he was shocked to see Jenny in the flush and blood looking so much like the young girl he knew years ago. What he saw made his skin crawl. He knew her when she used to command armies , when she used to scratch people's eyes out rather than give an inch . She had that look in her eyes that shone with the knowledge that everything should go the way she wanted , and that if not she would stop at nothing to make sure they did. Now she looks completely resigned. Her eyes look dead and her shoulders slumped, and she was drinking shots in a speed that made his stomach churn. He unconsciously walked towards her. When she looked up she was shocked. His name slipped out of her lips before she could stop herself. She felt herself weakening , and the best defense was an offence. She said :" What do you want? Want to finish off where Dan had stopped , come on come up with something hurtful to say!"

From there own accord his and touched her cheek , and he said :" Welcome Back Jenny."

He wondered if Chuck touched her there , his hand immediately fell as if her face burned him.

It was something he tried not to think about. He couldn't , he had an unbelievable and irrational value for her virginity. He knew that her virginity was important to jenny, he remembered when said the words to Serena , and how it had offended her. He was fiercely in denial about it. His best friend and all his experience and history and pure Jenny. It made his stomach clench , and he simply refused it.

She started laughing drunkenly , but it sounded more like crying.

He said :" You should stop drinking."

_It is none of your business. I need you to take care of me! What now that Serena is gone-

_Jen , you have drunk too much , let me take you home.

_Excuse me , I am going to dance with that-

_Don't make me cause a scene , ill fucking kill him if he-

_Stop it! Stop talking like you give a damn. You _rejected_ me , you rejected _me_ and my virginity when all wanted was to give it to you."

It dropped like a bomb between them. Nate felt like someone was pouring salt in his open wounds. He could have had her , he could have . It was all his fault , he along with everyone else turned their back to her. If he had acted differently , maybe things would not have happened the way they did , and she would have not given herself to Chuck.

He directly turned his thought to safer matters. She was drinking tequila and she was shaking.

He grabbed her by the arm , but she swat his and away. Then he said to the bartender angrily :" She is under age , stop serving her please."  
>The bartender nodded in apology and he moved to the next customer. Jenny turned and slurred :" Fuckkk you."<p>

Nate grabbed hold of her waist and dragged her out . She then slurred :" Natiee , leave me alone.

_I am taking you home.

_ No ! I don't want to see them . They do not want me.

_ Ill take you to my place.

_No , no . Chuck , he and I we fucke-

_Okay , okay . I got it. Chuck is not in the country.

_Why? Where did Chuck goo?

_Why do you care?

_Why do youuu? "

Jenny was too sharp even when drunk , Nate realized annoyingly . He put her in the cab , and he ignored the kick in the gut he felt when hr had fell on his shoulder.


End file.
